Comedywire Faves // Open Jokes 2/27 - 3/2
- Jennie Newman
- Mar 3, 2018
- 2 min read
I somehow have been living under a rock and just joined Comedywire! I'm obsessed with this site now, and am going to start highlighting here my favorite one- and two-liners I've written each day. Out of the jokes I wrote, these are the ones that were either Featured, Trending, or I just really liked! If you'd like to follow me on Comedywire, my handle is @jennieisawesome!
Catching up, here's the open jokes I posted this past week:
Yesterday I learned Kroger and L.L. Bean have raised the minimum age to purchase a gun at their stores. I'm really hoping PetSmart decided to raise theirs too.
In an interview this week, Adam Rippon thanked Sally Field for trying to set him up with her son. Hearing the news, Field exclaimed, "He likes him! He really likes him!"
I prefer my chihuahua shaking, not stirred.
Fergie caused an outrage after singing an unsettling rendition of the National Anthem. Said a rep for everyone watching, "We wanted to dawn's early light our ears on fire."
A professor who met with George Papadopoulos has disappeared. Someone probably forgot to tell him how to get to Sesame Street.
A man in need of a kidney transplant goes in search of one at Disney World. Surprised to actually find a match, he exclaimed, "It's a small world after all!"
A new study found that urine testing may reveal a body's true age. We're finally one step closer to uncovering the fountain of youth!
It's crazy how UPS workers have been wearing Yeezy now for like 50 years.
Lent -- That time every year when everybody I know is suddenly Catholic.
A man in England convicted this week of armed robbery is now sharing a prison cell with his father. Prompting his father to proudly say, "When I was your age... "
Men in France could face 90 euro fines for making sexist comments in the street. A term I've decided to coin as "Jay TALKING."
A woman who gouged her eyes out while on meth says she wants to help others stay off drugs. Her most successful tactic so far? Saying the words "gouged" and "eyes out."
"Sciatica! Sciatica" -- a butt that's had enough
Vice reported that the man who played Barney now runs a tantric sex business. Don't worry he's still teaching vowel sounds, now he's just concentrating on the O.
